When my parents were here, my Grandma had them bring me one of her Bibles. I keep touching it. My Mom also gave me a bag of doilies that my Great-Grandmother made. My Grandma wanted me to have those, too. When I open the bag, they smell like my Grandmother. The way she always had her things scented with sachets. I keep smelling them. I wish that I could have held her hand one more time, but I will treasure our last conversation forever. I was able to tell her I loved her forever and always just one more time before she passed and I am so grateful for a Mother who understands the special relationship between a granddaughter and her Grandma. I'm so grateful that she understands what it is like to be trapped by distance and how much just one more phone call would mean.
I was talking to my husband this morning and I told him that we were so blessed to have a Grandmother who saw her grandchildren. She had 14 children and so many grandchildren come with that many sons and daughters and then their children, her great-grand children. I know for a fact that I am not the only one she made feel so special. So loved unconditionally. We had so many conversations over Jelly Belly's. So many moments of laughter and love. I will miss her smile, her laugh and the twinkle in her eye. I will even miss her mixed up conversations. I am so grateful that my children got to spend time with her again and that my Gracie-girl has solid memories of her Great-Grandma Grace.
I am so glad that she is not suffering anymore and that she is at peace. I know that that should be enough, but today it just soothes everything a little. I feel like I can't dwell in my sadness because of some things going on here. My husband has a very sad duty right now, and it makes my pain seem minuscule. I give him a pep talk every day so that he can stay positive and moving forward to help this young widow and her children that he has been assigned to. I can hear my Grandma saying, "Get it together, girl!". I just want to have one big emotional moment and get going, but I feel like I can't just yet.
Then there is the paperwork I had to take in today for Leif and Grace. I almost turned around and didn't take it in. It makes it official for my daughter and I just don't want it to be. I don't want to accept it. Can I throw that little tantrum yet? I don't know why everything seems to be piling up at once, but I know that I can carry it all because I'm not carrying it alone. There is something exciting on the horizon and I am looking forward to sharing that with you soon. I know that my life isn't all gloom and doom. I know that I need to focus on the blessings and the answered prayers. I know that I know that I know. Truly, I just want to sit in this place and cry until it's all cried out. I want to wallow for a moment.
It will have to wait another hour or two because we have a ceremony to go to for my husband's work. Always smiling, being an example and showing support. Today, it makes me weary, but like any good Army wife I will march on despite my emotions, despite my exhaustion, and I'll do it well for the sake of the one I love. I'm being dramatic...it has to come out somewhere doesn't it? Maybe I can have my cry during the ceremony and they'll attribute it to patriotism as they case the colors for the deactivation ceremony. I better quit while I'm ahead. You can see why I haven't been blogging. I'm a bowl full of laughs!
Thanks for putting up with my blubbering.