15{Letters to My Mr.}

Hello, My Love~

Fifteen years ago I could barely sleep.  My bridesmaids slept in the same room as me, but I could not fall asleep.  I painted and re-painted my fingernails after I spent time soaking in the tub.  I kept trying to relax and let sleep take over.  We woke up so early to make it to Atlanta. I couldn't wait to be your wife.  We were all dressed in white.  I can't remember very much of what was said on this day, but it really doesn't matter.  I remember kneeling and looking across into your eyes.  I knew then, just as I know now, that I had found my home in your heart.  

We've had some really rough times, haven't we?  I should probably focus solely on the good and wonderful times, but I think that those times wouldn't be as sweet to us if we didn't remember what we've walked through.  In our first three years of marriage we had three babies!  It was fun to reminisce with you before you fell asleep.  I remember how shocked you were to find out that we were expecting our second baby.  You called me from the airport as you were on your way to basic training and I had just learned that I was carrying Lance.  We were both excited and more than a little surprised.  By the time our third test came back positive we just didn't even speak to each other...remember?  It makes me laugh now, but we were so stressed out.

Fifteen years have taken us to another country, landed you in a war, tore us apart and then mended us back together again to form something even stronger...tighter knit.  Struggles have thickened our skin and taught us about what true love and commitment are.  Depression that could have robbed us both has been won over and pushed back into the dark by the Light of Redeeming Love over and over again.  We have learned to accept each other's faults and found patience and beauty in the struggle.  We have grown and continue to grow together as we navigate these years with our children.  

Fifteen years sounds like a long time doesn't it?  Especially when we know what happens in our community far too often.  You and I come from a long line of faithful and committed marriages and fifteen years is a drop in the bucket!  We don't quit.  I hope that we continue to hold on tighter when the struggles come.  It takes work to keep it together.  I appreciate the effort you put into making our date nights special and the ways, big and small, that you remind me of your love for me.  

I am so honored to be your wife and so grateful that we get to spend this anniversary together.  I mean, really together...as in:   you and I will be in the same state, same town, same room, same time zone!!  That in and of itself is the greatest anniversary present.  

I love you with everything that I am~

Your Mrs.

P.S.  Please don't get too banged up tomorrow playing football.  I'd really like to be able to dance with you a time or two.  XOXO

It's Been a Long While

I sort of just dropped off the face of the blog-o-sphere didn't I?  Forgive me.  I thought it would be best because of the changes taking place in our life as we moved from a training schedule back into the regular Army.  I also thought maybe it would just be best for privacy reasons, but I think I have that pretty much under control.  I've missed interacting with my friends here.  Blogging definitely has cycles...at least for me it does.

Army Life:  We have been here since Christmas Eve of last year and I just now feel like I'm starting to get into the swing of things.  I will admit that I've only driven off post twice by myself since we moved here.  It feels so chaotic to me.  I just need to pull my boot straps up and figure it out!  My husband has been very busy training and taking care of business.  We have been apart quite a lot of the time since we've moved here and it's only going to get longer and harder.  So, I've made it priority to make friends and get settled here(except driving into town to figure that out...I will get to it!).  I've made a couple of good friends and the kids have made a lot!  We attend Chapel Next on post and really enjoy it.  The kids attend the youth group on post and have made some really great friends.  Unfortunately, a few of them will be moving this fall.  They have so much fun with the neighborhood kids.  It's so different than how things played out in Georgia.  I'm very, very pleased with things here!  The mountain views are spectacular and we have definitely enjoyed exploring our area.

Home Life:  We will finish our core curriculum this week!  The kids pushed themselves to finish it up since we will be very busy this Summer.  They set a goal and will accomplish it.  It's fun to see them so excited and working together.  I think I have everything where I want it here.  We unpacked so quickly.  I've adjusted the kitchen only once and I think that's pretty good!  We are definitely hitting those teen years.  Lance will turn 13 next month and Leif turned 14 in March.  We haven't experienced anything too crazy or dramatic yet.  I believe it doesn't have to be as crazy as I hear it can be.  Ask me in another month or two if it's still pretty mellow...I pray it will be.  I'm counting on it!  This week, tomorrow, I will celebrate 15 years of marriage with my dear husband!  It has not been without its challenges, but when I see those numbers I just can't believe it.  A blink in time!  We have been blessed with so much in those fifteen years.  Here's to the next 15!

Me, Myself, and I:  To say that I've been graceful about this transition would be an overstatement...I have had a big struggle which is one of the main reasons why I decided to just be quiet.  I have not received some of the things that come with this new destination as gracefully as I planned.  I did think it would be just like riding a bicycle.  You don't forget once you learn right?  Maybe you don't forget, but you certainly might get a few bumps and bruises as you re-learn how to hop the curb or swerve out of the way quickly.  I feel like I am re-gaining my footing and falling back into step.  I have a very patient husband and I'm so grateful for his understanding.  I've been trying to simplify and weed out the negativity in my life.  It's never as easy as it looks!

This is just a little glimpse of what our life has looked like in the past few months.  I am looking forward to catching up with you, too!

Song{Five Minute Friday}

GO

It's funny how a song can flood our minds with memories long past.  I was listening to a little bit of George Strait the other day. When I picked up the CD from the library, I thought how much I enjoy his voice and that it had been years since I'd listened to his music.  The first song on the disc started to play and I remembered why...my first husband and I loved to spend our evening listening to country music or going out dancing.  I loved laying my head on his chest and being held up by his 6'4" frame and he sang softly to me.  He had a really beautiful country voice.  Not too different from George Strait's.  We enjoyed each other's company, but our marriage didn't last longer than a year.  Longer than a few months really.  We rushed into something that I for sure wasn't ready for.  As soon as I found an escape, I took it.  I hurt him so deeply. I sometimes wish that I could acknowledge that out loud to him.

I haven't allowed myself to listen to or enjoy many things that I used to because they bring up so much pain.  By cutting all of these things out of my life, I became someone that I don't even recognize.  Kind of like living half my life.  I am tired of stifling the song inside of me.  So tired of not being able to enjoy life fully because I am continually blind-sided by the memories I've gotten so good at ignoring.  They always find me out...eventually they demand to be seen or heard.  I wonder when those painful memories become something different...when do they soar instead of hang like dead weight?  It's been sixteen years and I am just finally able to hear the song and not feel regret and pain.  I'm working hard to change the song inside my mind.  I want the music to lift me up and inspire me to be better than I am at this moment.  One day soon it will happen.  The song will soar and my spirit will be lifted high like it is meant to be.

STOP

Comfort{A Mother's Day Recap}

"Little hands reach out to grasp mine and all the fear that I felt about being a mother better than mine slips away.  I know that I will do everything within my power to protect this tiny human...this beautiful gift.  Until this moment I thought I understood the choices that she had made.  I thought that I could justify her missteps in my mind.  I imagined she allowed the abuse to happen because she was somehow protecting my life.  The story that I had neatly wrapped up and packaged with a sweet bow unraveled silently in my room as I traced  your precious face and counted ten fingers and toes.  I realized in those moments that I could no longer tangle myself up in her stories, her life.  The false comfort no longer soothed the wounds.  On the day you were born, a thickness started to form over those wounds.  A healing salve of true love and determination to be a better woman, a better mother...to be who God created me to be.  The second time I lay in the bed with another child counting more toes and fingers while marveling at the dark beauty of his eyes and hair, another layer was stripped away and replaced with a soothing, potent remedy.  The third time, a girl.  Two boys and now she...she came and my heart raced and ached as memories flooded over me.  Why is it so different with her.  How can I protect her?  She somehow seemed more vulnerable.  I learned quickly it was because you were a girl.  Because when I saw you I saw myself.  When you turned five, then six and seven...my mind was overwhelmed and the only place I could find comfort was in the gentle arms of your Daddy, and of course, our God.  He reassured me over and over that the life that we built was not the life that my Mother had built.  I had to trust in him and Him.  In those dark days, the final healing salve was applied.  I look at all three of you and see how happy and strong you are.  I see how blessed you are to have a Daddy who loves you without condition and I know that God has supplied all my needs.  You have never known what it is to be without your Heavenly or Earthly Father's and that is one of the greatest blessings of your lives."

That is what I had written last Friday for Five Minute Friday, but couldn't seem to hit the enter button.  I didn't realize how much hurt I still felt when I thought of my Mother.  I sometimes want to write birth mother, but realize that she was far more than that to me.  We were together for seven years before she was murdered.  It isn't like she choose to leave us.  Her life choices were terrible and dangerous to us all...but she didn't choose to leave us.  She allowed horrible things to happen to us...to me.  Even still, I love her so deeply.  I ache for her on Mother's Day and I wish that I could just talk to her to understand.  I don't know if I ever could understand, but I would have liked the chance to hear her side of the story.

In happier news, my Mother's Day was so beautiful!  I had a delicious breakfast.  We went to church...one that I feel so unsure about.  I like the simplicity of it, but I'm just very unsure of their beliefs.  That's another post for another day.  We watched Funny Face and then went to play softball.  It was hilarious and felt so wonderful to play in the sunshine with my family.  In those moments the hurt disappears and I am enveloped in love.  It is exactly how it should be.  I am going to hold on to that for this week.

A Little Bit of Springtime Color

Brave Girl{Five Minute Friday}

Go

Immediately, I think of my daughter.  I see our daughter who struggles with the same things her older brother does and I see how bravely she faces new situations.  Yesterday, I watched her try and try and try to find the courage to play with the other girls in the gym.  It wasn't until our art class that she was able to find her voice...common ground in the one-eyed girl she was drawing.  The eye contact she made with the girl she wanted to play with the most was impressive as she looked deeply into them to see just how much green was exactly in those hazel eyes.  There hasn't been a label placed on her just yet and I admit that I am afraid to put it there.  I see our oldest son in her and I know in my heart that the reason they are so good with each other, the reason that they seem to have such a good understanding of each other despite their two and a half year gap in age and gender difference, is that they are kindred Aspergian spirits.  Just when my worry reaches the anxiety level, I see these moments of bravery in her and I am reminded that it's okay to be scared.  You just have to remember to be brave and keep on trying.  Friendship is just on the other side!

Stop

Five Minute Friday is sponsored by Lisa Jo Baker.  We write for 5 minutes using the prompt we're given. There's no "editing, tweaking, or self critiquing".  I look forward to it every week. I absolutely love the video that she shared on her blog today.  So perfect.  I hope you'll join us!

A-Hiking We Will Go

Last Sunday, we went on a beautiful morning hike.   It was a beautiful morning with so much sunshine.  We were originally going to hike a different trail,  but the parking area was over-crowded and we didn't think that we should risk parking as close to the edge as the others had.  I'm a little bit sissy like that!  Lucky for us, just down the road we found a different trail was just waiting for us.  There was a sign asking us to stay out of the water because this is where some of our drinking water comes from.  I love it!

Well, hello my friend!  This is our first Colorado lizard.  He wasn't very shy.

These trees looked like they were trying to walk down the trail.

The sun was so bright!

Boy, I loved listening to the sounds of the stream.  I could have planted myself next to it all day long.

We decided to drive go for a drive and we found a pretty little town.  It was nice to see the other side of Pike's Peak, too!

Wal-Mart is everywhere!  At least this one tried to blend in.